Holiday Gift Guide 2024

For the masochist

Sometimes a man just wants to be tied up and hurt sexually. That’s all well and good. But what masked stranger can hurt you like a northeast winter can? That cold impassive wall of pain. Have you tried walking until your hands go numb?

Get him a black pair of cashmere/fleece/wool lined leather gloves. (They won’t be warm if they’re not lined.) With a cuff that covers the wrist bones.

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For your brother

Not one other soul on earth sees what you see when you look in his lovely face. Nobody else sees a little boy, a big ol loser, a co-conspirator, and your dead grandpa all at once. But you do. And now you barely get to see him. Because he doesn’t have a car.

BUY HIM A CAR!

But if you can’t buy him a car, give him your annotated paperback copy of East of Eden, and Heart of a Dog by Bulgakov. And something nice — small, but nice — for his girlfriend too.

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For the flirt

Can’t even blame her. Flirting is how she lives. It’s how she opens orange juice. Index fingers twist with the plastic cap. Flirting is the way she tilts her neck to drink. You’re watching her swallow. You’re watching her lovely throat. She knows.

Give her a set of watercolors, winter citrus, and/or an overlarge slab of fudgy chocolate cake.

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For the friend

Richard Sutton speaks about how it was obvious to him in childhood that intelligence was mediated by a reward signal. This obvious understanding would later become reinforcement learning. What is so obvious to your friend that she might not even be able to see it? Her biggest bottleneck — or contribution to the world — will be, I think, that thing. Show it to her gently.

Give her a really cool knife

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For the dandy

There is an 80-92% heterosexual man in your life whose aesthetic sensibilities are far superior to yours. And normally you’d be too embarrassed even to make the admission¹, but oh. He’s so graceful. He not only accepts you as you are, he makes you feel accepted. That’s different, and much more difficult. And what can you do in the face of that acceptance? Only adore him, and maybe get him something cute for Christmas. But what gift do you give David Bowie? Ummm. Metallic shorts? No. A Criterion Collection subscription? Don’t make me laugh. And then you realize, oh. Simplicity is higher than ingenuity. Simplicity is the luxury which only understanding can afford.

Give him another orchid, or the Unitea teapot

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For your mother

She doesn’t need another mess of paper-mache. A few years ago you splashed out for a necklace, but you’ve never even seen her wear it.

Dinner for her and all her friends, I think, at a very nice restaurant in your area. And a gift card to 1Password

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For the first date

Just because a man is SMART and HAIRY doesn’t mean he’s NOBLE or knows how to SUFFER WELL

Give him — briefly — your relaxed, beautiful, and detailed eyes. Attention without expectation.

And maybe you can, like, pay for his latte or something

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For your best friend

What can you give her that she has not already given you? Nothing, except maybe a piece of delicate, durable and slightly-quirked up jewelry. Delicate, durable, and slightly-quirked up. Just like you, Cynthia. Hahaha

Show her off to all your other friends

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For you

Listen up, anon. You can learn anything. Arabic, Ancient Greek, topology, algebraic topology, French, quantum mechanics, Russian, category theory, swimming. Swimming! And in-person lessons are the most effective way to do it.

Give yourself a great tutor and a good high-quality butter.

Once you’ve tasted knowledge you want to return, you want to repeat endlessly.

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For him

You don’t know how to tell him that his existence alone is a gift, that the sound of his laughter at dinner is better than music. You can only show him. By choking on his cock as he presses inside you ever deeper.

(But he doesn’t have a bedframe. Let alone a headboard! He’s 30 years old and he doesn’t have a [REDACTED] bedframe!)

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1. deeply internalized gender norms? put a pin in this